A Series of Mishaps, Mistakes, and Misadventures
by LyssieJ
Summary: A tongueincheek look at Severus Snape's scheming attempts to engage the affections of Hermione Granger.
1. Marriage Law Failure

"Miss Granger, surely you understand the repercussions of the Ministry's new Marriage Law? As a young Muggle-born witch of marriageable age, you will be required to marry a pureblood and bear his children. As the suitors for your hand thus far have all been ex- Death Eaters, Professor Snape is your best choice," said Headmaster Dumbledore.

"I have read the law, Headmaster, as it is of the utmost importance to me. I daresay I understand it as well as anyone," replied Hermione Granger.

"Then you understand, Miss Granger, that the alternatives to marrying me, horrific as that may seem, are even worse," snarled Severus Snape.

"I have already remedied the problem, Professors," Hermione responded quietly.

"Miss Granger, that is impossible!" said Dumbledore in frustration, "If there were a way to circumvent the law, surely one of us would have come up with it by now."

"One of the caveats to this law is that the witch must be able to bear children, Sir, and, as I am not, I am exempt."

"Unable to bear children? But why? How?" stammered Dumbledore.

"Impossible," snorted Professor Snape, "You do not have the expertise to brew a potion that would cause permanent infertility, nor would the healers at St. Mungo's oblige you."

"I did not use a potion nor the healers," said Hermione.

"Then how did this come to be?" Dumbledore queried.

"I am a Muggle-born, Sir, and I took advantage of that. I used Adficio Aegrus to cause a cancer to grow rapidly in my reproductive organs. I then went to a Muggle women's clinic complaining of severe cramping. They found the cancer and set up an emergency hysterectomy," explained Hermione, lifting her shirt and pulling down the waistband of her skirt just a bit, to show the long scar on her abdomen.

"You gave yourself a disease? How could you be so stupid! That is an extremely dangerous and dark charm! You could have killed yourself!" screeched Professor Snape.

"But it worked, and as far as I have found, there is no spell to regrow a uterus or ovaries. Once I go to St. Mungo's and have one of the healers confirm that I am sterile, my name will be taken off the Marriage Law list. Problem solved," Hermione countered.

When Hermione left the Headmaster's office, Snape turned to Dumbledore and said, "Well, you'd best hurry and get that law repealed. I knew this wouldn't work." He dropped back into the chair he had been previously occupying.

"Don't worry, Severus, we'll think of something else."

The Latin is:

**adficio : **_to affect, afflict, weaken, sap, exhaust, drain. _

**aegrus : **_ill, diseased, unwell. _

_It is from an online dictionary, so I can not vouch for it. I'm not a Latin scholar, so it is the best I could do._


	2. Detention Failure

Severus Snape watched his seventh year Potions class very carefully. Hermione Granger couldn't make it through a single class session without helping Neville Longbottom with his potion. Snape had allowed it to continue for years since it cut down on the number of explosions and accidents that would have been otherwise resultant from Longbottom's complete lack of ability in Potions. Every so often, he reprimanded her for doing so, more to show that he knew what was going on than from a real desire for her to cease. Today, things would be different.

"Neville!" whispered Hermione Granger, urgently, "Don't add the nightshade yet! It isn't time!"

"Detention, Miss Granger, tonight after dinner," said Snape.

"Yes, sir," she replied.

Severus Snape took extra care with his ablutions this afternoon. Smell, he knew, could be a very powerful force. He washed with a handmade bar of sandalwood soap and used extra baking soda to scrub his hair. After a quick dinner, spent trying not to eat his food too fast or look too often at the Gryffindor table, he returned to his classroom. Shortly afterwards, Hermione Granger made her appearance.

"Miss Granger, for your detention you will prepare a week's worth of Pepper-Up potion for the Infirmary. As a seventh year student, I assume you can handle this task adequately while I mark essays?" he asked in his best silky voice.

"Yes, sir," she replied, going to the storeroom for the necessary ingredients. He walked ahead of her to unlock it. Just as he had planned, she tripped over an invisible "bump" in the floor. He made sure that he was standing close enough and turned so that it seemed natural for him to catch her as she stumbled. She looked up at him, sneezed and righted herself quickly.

"Excuse me, Professor Snape. I seem to have lost my footing," she said, as her eyes began to water strangely. Surely, bumping into him would not cause her to cry?

He finished unlocking the storeroom and she gathered the ingredients, setting them up at a table. She began chopping and measuring and adjusting the flame under the cauldron. After watching her from behind his desk for several minutes, he walked over to stand behind her, quite close.

"Miss Granger, those fiddleheads should be chopped much finer, like so," he murmured stepping even closer, the front of his body centimeters from being pressed against her back, placing one hand over each of hers, one holding the fiddlehead and the other holding the knife. Suddenly, Miss Granger sneezed again, quite violently. Then again. Soon, all Miss Granger could do was sneeze over and over, her eyes watering and her face getting puffy.

"Professor Snape, I think I must be allergic to something," she managed to say.

"You may leave, Miss Granger. Report directly to the Infirmary," he replied, very much discouraged and cursing himself for using a new type of soap.


	3. Love Potion Failure

Severus Snape held the vial in his hand up to the sunlight. The deep rose coloured liquid shimmered and he could see golden flecks reflecting the sunlight. The potion was perfect, of course. After all, he had brewed the Furere Aliqua himself. It was, despite its name, one of the safest love potions ever devised, and, while moderately strong, it did not leave the subject showing the obvious symptoms of obsession often found in people who had been administered other love potions. Created in a time period that embraced both the materialistic and political machinations behind arranged marriage as well as a peculiarly romantic idea of love, the Furere Aliqua was traditionally administered to newlyweds on their wedding day, then slowly tapered off over a period of months afterwards as they settled into married life. Snape, however, intended to start off with a small dose and increase it, which would mimic the growing feelings of natural love. As this particular approach to gaining Miss Granger's affections was only quasi-legal and definitely immoral, he chose to leave Dumbledore out of it.

Snape ordered Kipsy, the Hogwart's houself assigned to him, to make sure that a little of the potion was added to Miss Granger's pumpkin juice at breakfast each morning. Then, quite satisfied with himself, he simply sat back to wait.

* * *

After two weeks, Severus Snape was beginning to get quite annoyed. Not only did Miss Granger's attitude towards himself not seem to be changing at all, all of the other seventh year Gryffindors were acting in a most peculiar fashion. He could almost think that they had ingested the potion, except no single one of them appeared to be most affected. They were all sitting up straight in class, speaking to him respectfully, and on one miserable day earlier in the week, had cheered when he walked into the classroom. 

"Kipsy!" Snape called.

"Yessir, Professor, sir? You called Kipsy?" the little creature asked as it popped into his chambers.

"Kipsy, did you make sure to put the potion I gave you in Miss Granger's pumpkin juice every morning?"

"Yes, Professor, sir, Kipsy did. Kipsy poured it in the big pitcher so Miss Granger would get the potion," answered the little elf, seeming quite proud of himself.

Snape sat up from his lounging position, "What? You put it in the big pitcher? The one all the students at her part of the table fill their glasses from?"

"Yes, Professor, sir, that is what Kipsy did. Professor said she should just get a little, and Professor didn't say no one else should. Did Kipsy do wrong, Professor?" asked the little elf, with tears forming in his large eyes.

"Is there any of the potion left?" Snape asked angrily.

"No, Professor, sir, I put the last of it in the big pitcher this morning!" Kipsy cried, bursting into tears.

"Out! Get out!" yelled Snape, realizing that, indeed, the entire class of seventh year Gryffindors were exhibiting very, very mild symptoms, since the dose had been so watered down. Gods, what would he do if there were lasting effects? What would Dumbledore say? And, if all the others had ingested the potion, why wasn't Miss Granger, the focus of all of this mess, showing any signs?

* * *

The next morning at breakfast, Snape showed up quite early, intending to pay very close, albeit surreptitious, attention to Miss Granger's breakfasting habits. 

He watched her pour her glass of pumpkin juice, then, with the deftness born of much repetition, he saw her quietly and with barely a motion turn said pumpkin juice into tea. This transfiguration would, of course, totally nullify nearly any potion contained in the drink, including the Furere Aliqua. Snape felt himself slump in his chair and thought dejectedly about the evils of excessive caffeine consumption.

Furere Aliqua – to be madly in love with


	4. Aging Potion Failure

"Are you certain you want to do this, Severus?" asked Albus Dumbledore.

"Yes, Headmaster. I believe if I am able to interact with her on a more equal level at first to gain her affections, then when I am returned to my own age, her affections will be retained," Snape replied.

"Alright, Severus, if you believe this will work, I will support you, but only for a week. I cannot have my Potions Master disappear for longer than that."

Snape tipped back the vial of pretty blue tangerine-flavored potion and swallowed. Slowly, his features began to change and his height shrank. Dumbledore watched as Snape's adult body was replaced by his seventeen year old one. He was a bit shorter, his nose was a bit straighter, but he was still quite obviously Severus Snape. There was no way this could fool anyone, let alone Miss Granger.

Snape and Dumbledore stared into the mirror that had been set up in Dumbledore's office for this very purpose.

"This isn't going to work, is it, Headmaster?" asked Snape.

"No, I'm afraid not, Severus," Dumbledore replied, "However, now I must ask you how we will explain to your colleagues and the students that you look twenty years younger. Perhaps we could tell them that a bit of vanity got the best of you?"

Snape stared in horror at the twinkle in Dumbledore's eyes.


	5. Potions Accident Failure

After his last botched attempt at seduction, Severus Snape was beginning to become slightly annoyed. He never thought he would stoop to this level, but he had. He sighed and began to think of a good way to manufacture an accident during his 7th year Potions class. It would have to be realistic, though not too dangerous. He did, after all, want to live to see his rewards. Still, he mused, if he were slightly hurt throwing her out of the way of an exploding cauldron, she might feel the need to comfort him.

During the very next class, he began switching partners around. He left Hermione at the table next to Longbottom, but made her partner with Malfoy. She'd be close enough to need saving, and too busy watching her back to pay much attention to Longbottom. The dream interpretation potion he assigned wasn't particularly dangerous, except for at one critical stage. Adding the mugwort prior to or after the forty-third clockwise stir would cause a spectacular explosion. As Longbottom held the mugwort at ready over the cauldron, Snape suddenly changed direction and stalked towards him menacingly. As expected, Longbottom squeaked and convulsively dropped the mugwort in early. Most unexpectedly, as Snape shout for everyone to get down, Malfoy threw himself atop Hermione and rolled them both under their table, while Longbottom grabbed a double handful of valerian and threw it in the cauldron just before he dove under the table behind the one his cauldron was on. Rather than exploding, the cauldron began to foam up, covering the table and floor with purplish froth. Longbottom had managed to stop a cauldron from exploding? Malfoy tried to save Hermione? Snape was utterly flabbergasted at the turn events had taken.

"All of you, get out! Class is dismissed!" Snape roared in impotent fury at seeing Malfoy, blushing (blushing! A Malfoy!) gently pull and equally blushing Hermione to her feet.


	6. Animagus Failure

The very last Hogsmeade weekend of the very last year that Hermione Granger, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley would spend at Hogwarts was over. The boys were checking out the latest cards from the chocolate frogs they'd bought at Honeyduke's and Hermione was enjoying the warm Spring weather as they walked back to the castle. Suddenly, just outside the gate, a small black creature stumbled out into the path, dramatically and ostentatiously falling over. Hermione quickly walked over to it and found a small, thin black rat. She picked up his limp body and held him to her ear. She could hear a quite loud and fast heartbeat. The poor little creature didn't seem to be injured, but it was so thin she assumed it must be starving to death.

"Whatcha got there, Hermione?" asked Harry through a mouthful of chocolate.

"A little rat," she replied.

"Are you sure it isn't wild? Maybe you should put it down," Ron warily advised, having never really gotten over the defection of Scabbers/Pettigrew several years' previous.

"Oh, really, Ron! Did you even see it? He's a black Irish dumbo rat for goodness sake! Those don't exactly occur in nature. He probably belongs to one of the other students and he got away. He's so thin, it is obvious that he doesn't know how to care for himself in the wild."

The boys just shrugged as Hermione cuddled the little rat against her chest. "I know exactly what to do with him."

Severus Snape, in his rat animagus form, smiled. Rats can smile quite broadly, after all, and still not be very noticeable.

"I'll catch up with you boys in a little while," Hermione called, diverting herself from the path to the castle.

"You are such a handsome little rattie boy, yes, you are! Such a dear little sweetie. We'll get you fixed up in no time," she whispered to the rat, who seemed to be sleeping.

She walked up to a large hut on the outskirts of the property, and knocked loudly. The door was answered and a booming voice called out, "'Ello, 'Ermione! Good t'see ya! Whatcha got there?" asked Hagrid.

"It's a little rat I found just outside the gates, Hagrid. I can tell he's not wild and look how thin he is. I was hoping you could take care of him and I'll put up notices in the school to see who he belongs to."

"I'd be 'appy to take 'im, 'Ermione," said Hagrid happily, holding out a large hand, into which Hermione carefully placed the little rat.

"Oh, no, no, no, no," thought Severus Snape over and over.

"'Ello there little fella! Cute one, aintcha? I think we'll call ya Blackie until we find out yer real name, hows 'at?" asked Hagrid, using one huge finger to stroke behind the rat's ears.

Severus Snape made a valiant attempt to die from mortification.

"Thanks for keeping him, Hagrid. I'll go see if I can find out who he belongs to," called Hermione as she left.

As Hagrid placed the little rat on his table and bustled around to find food for him, Snape began to wonder how in the world he was going to get away from the half-giant long enough to change back into his human form. He slowly began creeping toward the edge of the table, intending to jump from there to a chair, from which he could hopefully climb down onto the floor and find an escape route. "Oh, no you don't! That's prolly how ya got lost in tha firs' place! You just stay right 'ere," said Hagrid, placing the rat on his shoulder, seemingly with no intention of letting him out of his sight any time soon.


	7. Apprenticeship Failure

They say necessity is the mother of invention, and Snape knew it was necessary that he should find a way to engage Hermione's affections quite soon. Soon, a plan was born out of sheer desperation. He could make Miss Granger an offer of an apprenticeship! He was, after all, a Master of Potions, even though his pay wasn't exactly commensurate with that status. He'd never taken on an apprentice, but now that the war was over, it wouldn't look very odd. Though she was a Gryffindor, she was also the smartest person in her class, which would make the choice look natural. Of course, he smirked to himself, she would be conscious of the honor and would definitely accept. How, though, to make the offer without seeming as though he were asking? Being the one to offer would automatically leave him in a supplicatory position. Once again, inspiration struck. He would announce his intention to take an apprentice, and allow anyone interested in the position to submit a paper. The student with the best paper, would, of course, be Hermione! He almost laughed with his own brilliance.

He outlined the plan to Dumbledore, who thought it was quite a good idea. The next day at dinner, Dumbledore stood to inform the students of the competition.

"Students, if I may have your attention," he called out, "Professor Snape has informed me of his intention to take on an apprentice. I am certain all of you are aware of the honor that such an apprenticeship could bring. Professor Snape is the foremost Potions Master in all of Britain and has never before offered this privilege to anyone. In order to make this as fair as possible, Professor Snape will be accepting apprenticeship proposals from any seventh year student with the understanding that the student who submits the best paper will be offered an apprenticeship beginning this summer. The proposal should contain three parts demonstrating knowledge above and beyond the normal curriculum, including one section on the history of brewing to show that the writer has a good understanding of the traditions he or she will be carrying on, a section on brewing methods to show that he or she comprehends the difficulty of the task, and, finally, a theoretical extrapolation based on the other two sections detailing a potential line of research the student would like to pursue. These papers will be due in one month, and the chosen student's name will be announced at our graduation ceremonies."

An excited buzz of conversation filled the room when Dumbledore sat down again. Snape noted with pleasure that Hermione had an intense look of concentration on her face.

* * *

A month later, Snape sat at his desk, reading through the papers that had been submitted. Not surprisingly, they were quite few. There was, of course, one from Hermione, but Draco Malfoy and Daphne Greengrass of Slytherin, Ernie Macmillan of Hufflepuff and Terry Boot, Morag MacDougal and Lisa Turpin of Ravenclaw had also submitted applications. He had decided to work his way through the others and save Hermione's for last. As he had expected, some of the proposals were decent, though, others, like Malfoy's, showed little thought and less work. Obviously that young man was hoping to trade on their previous connection, Snape sneered. Once all of them were read, he turned to Hermione's paper. It was utterly brilliant. So brilliant, even, that Snape was amazed. He knew the girl was intelligent, but this was beyond any expectations he had. 

After the last graduate had received his diploma and the lists of honors had been read, Dumbledore had one final announcement to make before releasing the graduating class.

"Finally, I will allow Professor Snape to announce what student he has chosen to bestow the honor of an apprenticeship upon," said Dumbledore, motioning for Snape to rise.

Snape did so and said, "Several, though certainly not all, of the proposals submitted were adequate. However, one stood out from the rest in a most spectacular manner. The history, methods and theoretical extrapolation were all absolutely faultless. I hereby accept Hermione Granger as my apprentice."

As the crowd clapped, Hermione stood up from her place with her class and began to speak, "Professor Snape, Professor Dumbledore, I am afraid I must make a confession. I did not write the paper I submitted."

There was a collective gasp from all those present and Snape felt his stomach sink like lead straight down to his toes as Hermione resumed speaking.

"You see, one of my classmates wrote that paper, then, at the last minute, decided not to submit it. I read it and it was amazing. I admit, some of the theoretical parts were beyond my understanding, but the rest was just so spectacular I couldn't allow it to go to waste. I knew it was better than mine, so I gave it to Professor Snape, all the while intending that I would reveal its true author when it was chosen."

Seeing that the Potions Master was unable to respond, Dumbledore asked the obvious question, "Miss Granger, I must ask, if this is not your work, whose is it?"

"The paper was written by Neville Longbottom, sir," Hermione replied. Professor Severus Snape, Master of Potions, Order of Merlin First Class, promptly fainted.


	8. Apprenticeship Failure 2

"Miss Granger, it would seem that you have not lived up to the high expectations that some of your professors had for you," said Professor Severus Snape, with an air that made it clear he was not one of those professors who had expected much of her.

"I am gainfully employed, Professor Snape, and I do not think my choice of employment is any of your business!" Hermione Granger replied, brushing past him.

He was easily able to keep up with her pace, walking next to her through the Atrium at the Ministry.

"Ah, yes, of course. After all, why would someone with perfect NEWTs aspire to more than an entry-level job setting up base ingredients for Ministry potion brewers?" he said smoothly.

Hermione scowled at him. "Once again, Professor, my job is not your business. I have my reasons and they are my own."

"I see. Perhaps things didn't work out exactly as you planned? Did you expect a meteoric rise through the Ministry because you're Potter's friend? Did you think that being Muggle-born wouldn't matter?" he mused. "Still, it is just like the Ministry to waste even mediocre talent. I might, just might, you understand, be prevailed upon to reinstate my offer of the apprenticeship that you turned down in Longbottom's favor."

As they reached the dingy little room that served as her office, she turned to him and said, "Would you really like to know why, Professor?" as she stepped inside. He followed.

"I have this job because it is a cover for my real work as an Unspeakable."

"That's preposterous!" Snape said, dropping into the guest chair, "They would never! You're too young. You can't be an Unspeakable!"

"Isn't that the point, Professor? Do you really think that I could spend my days cooped up in this little office or in one of the labs down the hall putting out ingredients for others? I would have gone mad within a fortnight!"

"That was an admirable performance, Miss Granger. Bravo, really. However, you seem to have forgotten one thing. If you were actually an Unspeakable, you would never have told me so."

"Indeed, that is true, Professor, and thus, you would understand why I must do this," Hermione said as she quickly cast "_Obliviate_".

"...and so I'm sure you understand, Professor, now that I've explained my myriad of reasons why I cannot accept your generous offer," said Hermione to a slightly bewildered Professor Snape.

"Ah, yes, of course, Miss Granger," said Snape, not wanting to admit he had no idea what was going on.


	9. Endgame

Professor Severus Snape stared morosely into his cup of punch. It was hard to imagine it, but five whole years had now passed since the defeat of Voldemort. So much had happened, yet, in the larger scheme of things, so little had changed. He was still teaching at Hogwart's, still terrifying children, still holding up his dark image and he was still alone. Now, here he sat at a back table in a dark corner of the fifth-anniversary Victory Day Gala.

He scanned the room, a habit he had found hard to break. Besides all of the Ministry flunkies who could in any way tack their names onto the Defeat, the surviving Order members all seemed to be in attendance. Harry and Pansy Potter, Draco and Ginevra Malfoy, Ron and Lavender Weasley, it chilled him to see how they were all paired up and he was still alone. Not that he envied them, of course.

Distracted by his musings, he failed to notice that a blushing and nervous Hermione Granger was looking at him. She walked slowly over to his table, willing her nerves to quiet. He did, of course, note her approach. She looked lovely in her formal gown, much too lovely to ever be his. Time had only caused Snape to become more bitter.

"Good evening, Professor Snape," she said.

"Good evening, Miss Granger," he replied. He then waited as she appeared to gather her thoughts, wondering what she was up to.

"Sir, I was reading the latest issue of the British Journal of Potions Research and I noticed a purported twenty-second major use of Chinese Chomping Cabbage. I was wondering what your thoughts were on the subject."

"Miss Granger, if you had noticed the author of that piece, you would have your answer. Elladora Ogg is a highly respected researcher, certainly not a witch you would find selling a nostrum to an idiot in Knockturn Alley."

"But, sir, really, wasn't adding it to Pepper Up Potion a bit risky?"

"Elladora Ogg is a Mistress of Potions, Miss Granger. Surely, if anyone should know how to safely experiment, it is her."

"Oh, the Minister is about to begin his speech. Would you be available sometime this week to continue our conversation, Professor Snape?"

"As it is the summer, I am."

"Wonderful," breathed Hermione, seeming almost giddy, "Would you like to meet for lunch, perhaps on Thursday, then?"

"That would be acceptable," said Snape, suddenly realizing that, if he was not misconstruing her intentions completely, this could possibly be classified as a date.

Hermione realized that everyone was sitting down and hurriedly said, "I'll owl you and we can work out the details," as she rushed back to her assigned seat.

Severus Snape took a long drink from the glass on the table in front of him. After all of his plotting and machinations, when he had finally given up all hope, Hermione Granger had done what he had never had the courage to do. She had asked him out on a date.

* * *

AN: The End! I hope you enjoyed it. I'd like to thank my Dear Friend Smiling Jack for his invaluable help with this last vignette. 


End file.
